I thought that, though I'll be doing some deep, scholarly Christmas articles later, I should kickoff the JAAIOB event with something fun. So, I will be doing something that has nothing to do with AIO, and it won't have much to do with God either. However, I'm hoping this will ease everyone into the 16 Days of Christmas. So, I shall be doing a fictional interview with... Santa Claus. Here it is:
AJ: So... Santa Claus. How are you today?
SC: Well, I've been hibernating for the 25th. I haven't eaten anything in a month, and I've been sleepin' a lot too. All that milk and cookies is hard on my body, so I devised a fasting plan. However, I do get a bit hungry occasionally. It's especially horrible when I dream about the gingerbread man... That's why I only come out of the North Pole for... interviews and such.
AJ: I see. Well, for the first actual interview question, I would like to ask you: When exactly did you start giving gifts to children everywhere?
SC: Well, as I recall, in the year 1861, Abe Lincoln and I were playin' checkers together. I was in my late 200s back then, so I was practically a freshman in the game of life. *chuckle* But Abe wanted to do something special for Christmas for the USA. And do you know what he decided to do?
AJ: No, I don't. Please tell us, Mr. Claus.
SC: He decided to declare war on them Southern states! *hysterical laughter from Santa, but only a blank stare from Alex* Well, he didn't declare war on them on December 25th, but it was close enough. So anyway, the country didn't really want to be involved in a war, so Abe realized he hadn't exactly picked the best Christmas present. So he came to me and asked me to fix things. I told him I could break into people's houses and go down their chimney and then throw presents down their fireplace, so that's what I did. The police didn't like it very much, but the kids loved their gifts. So I've been doin' it ever since.
AJ: That's quite an amazing story. However, I do believe there was more to Mr. Lincoln's declaration of war than a Christmas present. But anyway, let's continue with the interview. My next question is: Do your deranged Eskimo elves really make all the toys themselves, or do you have a deal with another company?
SC: Well, we used to have a deal with the Hostess snack cakes Company, but they shipped us so many pastries for free that they finally went out of business. So now, we have to make all our pastries ourselves.
AJ: Interesting. Next question: There are some rumors going on that you are not real. Would you like to address these?
SC: Well, it's all hogwash! I'm as real as... as... as -
AJ: The Easter Bunny?
SC: O course not! That guy was tryin' to steal my thunder. He's just a hairy college dropout in a bunny costume. And as for them rumors, they're all spread by celebrity magazines! You can't trust them anymore than you can trust... me.
AJ: Ahh... now we're getting somewhere! Are you admitting to being an untrustworthy, 400-year old fugitive from the law?
SC: No.
AJ: Okay. Well, we only have time for one more question. This final question is: do you ever receive any gifts for Christmas?
SC: The only gifts I get on Christmas morning are a buncha raindeer poop, a stomachache from all the cookies, blisters from cracking that reindeer whip, a stiff neck from going down that chimney, and some sappy little letters from rich kids in New York!
AJ: I'm sorry. But, not sorry enough to do anything about it, as I'm afraid we have to go. Thank you for talking with us, Santa, and we hope you'll join us next time in JAAIOB's 25 Days of Christmas!
I hope you enjoyed that. Tomorrow's article will be a bit more realistic and serious, but, until then, I'm Alex Jefferson, and this is... JAAIOB's 16 Days of Christmas!
Thanks for reading!
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